I was at a happy hour this week as part of a networking group I’m associated with.  We hadn’t met in person in what felt like forever, so just getting together was pretty cool.  The group was small.  We each ordered drinks (Manhattan on the rocks for me!) and some appetizers and settled in.  We got on the topic of fitness and my activity running ultra-marathons.  I like talking about running and health so I was happy to get into the pocket of that dialogue.  After some back and forth on the topic, my friend asked me the following:  “Russell, if you were to find out that you wouldn’t be able to run ultras again, would that rock your world because it’s so much of your identity?”

I appreciated that question very much.  For one, it was provocative and would make for a much more interesting exchange than talking about surface level topics.  Second, it struck at the core of a lot of the work I continue to do on myself and write about in One Life to Lead.  I’ll share my response below.  But first, let’s deconstruct what might come up out of that question: 

Is what you do the same as who you are?   

This is a resounding NO but it’s not that easy to go from the intellectual understanding of it to the “living” it.  So much of our identity (our worth) is tied up in the job that we have, our title, where we went to school, our relationships, and physical pursuits.  We build up our “outside” because it’s the most visible thing.  We welcome the attention and it reinforces our identity and the cycle continues.  Until it doesn’t.  Welcome to “the work”.  When we source approval from others, we are kind of relying on the views of others to validate our value. Yikes.  That’s risky.  I get it.  I spent (and sometimes still spend) time in that vortex.  As a coach of mine reminded me many times over the years, “Russell, live your worth, don’t prove it”.

Consider how the question is both delivered and received.  

The question my friend asked seemed to come from a place of genuine curiosity.  And I received it that way.  But sometimes these types of questions can come from a place of judgement (my friend has a judgement of me that I’m so tied up in my identity being connected to ultra-running that he wanted to call me out) and be received from a place of defensiveness (who is this guy asking me this question and trying to call me out?).  What I loved about this question was that it provoked learning from delivery to receipt.  By the way, I have no idea if my friend was judging (he may have been). 

So what’s my philosophy on this topic?

Everything that we do is fleeting at some level.  Whether it is the career we have or the car we drive or where our kids go to school or whether we run ultra marathons.  The timelines can be short (I ran a race) or long (the span of a career).  But any way you look at it, the things that you “do” or are identified with will change and evolve.  There is nothing wrong with enjoying them for yourself.  If you have a sweet house or a high paying job or just wrote a book, or ran a 100-mile race, enjoy it.  But it’s not WHO YOU ARE!  Resist the temptation to label it because eventually that label will fade and if you’re all about the labels, you’re going to go for another one in order to keep up the show.  What if you dropped the labels and who you are just IS!  It’s not comparative.  It lacks ego.  There is no judgement.  The labels are gone.  Just do the shit you do that works for you and remember that the judgement of others says more about the judger than the judgee.  

How I answered my friend

Here is what I said:  “I like that question and appreciate it.  The short answer is ‘I don’t know’ because that hasn’t happened yet.  However, the reason that I like ultras so much is that it creates space in my life to better connect with myself in a way where I can appreciate my body, my health, and my mind.  Running is that vehicle for me today.  If I needed to find some other vehicle in the future, I would like to think that I could do so.  But I’m also not without ego and acknowledge that it certainly shapes some of how I am perceived and I do like that.  Thanks for asking that question.  I’m going to think more about it.

It’s funny how a seemingly simple question can open up an opportunity to self assess.  It’s really cool actually.  I imagine that my friend’s question was there for me at that networking event for some reason.  Now back to my Manhattan (or coffee, because it’s still morning)! If you want to dig more into this topic and how to get in more control of designing your life on your terms, read my new book, One Life to Lead.